Journalism of Queer Existence
"I never felt man enough, I never felt woman enough, so why not both or neither? I am non-binary an imbalance of masculine and feminine."
photograph by Chelsea Brown
words by romea kumar
16.09.22
On my Instagram I regularly document images of my lifestyle whether that be food, landscape, friends, selfies, creative ideas and fashion content, this style of lifestyle journalism I’ve noticed says a lot about the inner workings and subconscious storytelling of my life.
Recently the posts have consisted of head-to-toe black outfits, tasteful nudes, low-fi street photography, museum art, photos with friends and mirror selfies, at first glance it seems like a curated artful page but the careful curation of these images is directly related to building a false self in the eyes of my peers.
When I post I’m building a narrative around the subject in this way lifestyle journalism becomes more about telling a story to a stranger more than anything, the reasoning for posting certain images can vary from person to person but subconsciously I always think about the person on the other side of the screen.
The untold story of a tasteful nude. In the first lecture for my storytelling class, Dr Antonio talked about the role of a journalist or storyteller is to “tell untold stories” in the context of lifestyle journalism the photographs we share speak louder than words.
Recently I posted a tasteful nude which had become a reoccurring theme on my page, they are always sophisticated and border on the line of ‘thirst traps’ and artful composition of the human body.
In history nudity has been used to depict religious stories such as ‘The Last Judgment’ by Michelangelo in the Sistine Chapel, but how am I using nudity to tell my story?
I’m a person who is not usually seen as conventionally attractive, I’m Indian, overweight, have love handles and a belly and in my opinion great legs but when I bare it all and decide to post it on Instagram it is automatically seen as body positivity by my peers.
But if I had abs and biceps and posted the same image it would have been seen as a ‘thirst trap’, so this photograph I posted becomes my way of documenting social commentary regarding non-conventional bodies.
I feel as though when I celebrate my body with nudity it is not seen as an act of sexual expression it’s often seen as brave or a protest against societal norms, which it can be but I wish that my nudity could be viewed simply as a sexual expression in the same way Kim Kardashian’s sexuality is seen as provocative and appeasing.
Larger bodies in queer culture are often seen as less attractive in my personal experience, when I was smaller in size I felt the shift in the way I was viewed as a sexual partner compared to when I’m bigger, that sexual attention seems to deviate.
Posting a ‘tasteful nude’ for me is not only to celebrate my sexuality in a way that makes me feel empowered, it's also to shift attitudes in the queer community that my body is sexy and sexual and we should try to challenge the ingrained fat phobia society has taught us.
"if I had abs and biceps and posted the same image it would have been seen as a ‘thirst trap’, so this photograph I posted becomes my way of documenting social commentary regarding non-conventional bodies."
Lifestyle journalism includes the now acclaimed mandatory ’OOTD’ which since joining Instagram in 2014 has evolved quite a bit. My “Instagram Career” really started in 2017 before that, the classic Instagram filtered images have now been deleted, I had recently dropped a lot of weight and reformed out of a few years of depression I began posting with what started with moody artsy selfies of my newly discovered jaw line and then outfit photographs.
Still, as a teenager they were mostly streetwear style always with a graphic tee as I was still insecure about my “man boobs” (I identify as non-binary now but this was the best way to describe them), going into 2018 we started to see more colour and a grunge aesthetic starting to form still very street style.
Then as I started Uni studying a Bachelor of Fashion Design at RMIT I begin to play with layering printed woman’s blouses I thrifted over a turtle neck in winter, and unbutton in summer with some chest exposed.
The corset has made its presence now as a style feature after years of binding my stomach in high school to appear slimmer, as I had gained the weight back since 2017 I decided to showcase my ability of long term discomfort with a corset.
This style continued until Covid-19 hit and we were forced to live in our pyjamas for the next 2 years but as a fashion fanatic I started a podcast with my roommates my sister and my best friend which we dressed up for every week in theme and painted our faces to fulfil our lack of reason to get dressed and impress. I began to wear more colour and as I came to terms with my gender identity I experimented with more feminine clothing.
As of now I dress in all black and have a more androgynous look which I describe as an imbalance of masculine and feminine but as I retired the corset from everyday wear I moved to layered and larger silhouettes to ease my ongoing weight insecurities.
This documentation on my Instagram I believe shares my story in a fashion journalistic sense of developing style as someone bold and daring with insecurities that are disguised using fashion.
"As of now I dress in all black and have a more androgynous look which I describe as an imbalance of masculine and feminine but as I retired the corset from everyday wear I moved to layered and larger silhouettes to ease my ongoing weight insecurities."
My aspirations in fashion lie somewhere between art and high fashion, I feel most proud and fulfilled when my work stands for something and emotes the message I designed with. Though I enjoy making aesthetically beautiful clothing I feel that’s not where my heart is, creation with no meaning is useless to me.
Identifying as a ‘Brown Queer Non-Binary Artist’ it’s important to me to stand for what I believe in especially when I look around and don’t see myself represented, how can I be the person my inner child needed when I was growing up?
In my darkest moments I felt alone, like I wasn’t worthy of living because I couldn’t see myself in anyone around me, they lived in a cishet world and I didn’t fit in there, those thoughts became so dark I’m glad I found the strength to stay alive. The internet became my refuge as I searched through YouTube and found people who were like me, watching videos of Beyoncé flaunting her power with femininity and showcasing her talent in a flamboyant way which made me idolise this performance of hyper-femininity.
Growing up I did feel like I was born in the wrong body as I saw the way my sister was praised for her femininity in contrast to my dismay at enacting the same performance. But as I explored my gender by watching Alok Vaid-Menon's poems and speeches I learned about femininity and masculinity, reading Judith Butler I learned about gender performativity, the societal pressure to fit into gender roles was not going to be what I subscribed to. I never felt man enough, I never felt woman enough, so why not both or neither?
I am non-binary an imbalance of masculine and feminine. I say imbalance because I will never be balanced in any aspect of my life, this is also a societal ideal that pressures us to feel inadequate and unworthy. I have to embrace it otherwise the negative emotions under that pressure will consume me. But that doesn’t make waking up and wearing what I want any easier, working retail where I can choose to wear what I want, I can feel the difference in the way I'm treated when I dress more femme compared to when I dress more masc.
This is just a reminder that there is a long way to go when it comes to queer representation and female empowerment, if a ‘man wearing a dress’ is hated it shows how much society still sees a woman as a secondary citizen. In society's eyes, why would you lessen your masculinity and be femme? That makes you weak.
I wake up every morning and practice the imbalance of masculine and feminine gender performance in the hopes to normalise the trans non-binary existence, it’s a protest against toxic heteronormative society and gender roles. I aim to use photojournalism on my social media as a way to be the representation I never saw and even if my exposure helps one person that’s fulfilling enough for me.
"Growing up I did feel like I was born in the wrong body as I saw the way my sister was praised for her femininity in contrast to my dismay at enacting the same performance."
Journalism to me means documenting my lifestyle to spark conversation around topics and issues that directly affect me or I’m interested in, the journey that I can now look back on via Instagram tell the story of my life thus far in a nuanced perspective that was once sacred within photo albums in our homes.
Publicly living my truth is important to me as someone who grew up lacking representation and community, I understand how vital it can be to a child or teenager who feels like they are different from the cishet society we are told is normal.
Normalising my existence through social media journalism has an impact on society one person at a time and living my life with this motto gives me the strength to face adversity when I visually curate my truth. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.